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1/26/2019 2 Comments

Second Time to Shine

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,     Getting married again? Seriously? After being hitched for 22 years to someone I met when I was 18, the thought of starting all over was overwhelming.  Some days I looked in the mirror and said, "I can just do this myself!"  I was strong enough to weather a divorce, I had my three kids ages 8, 10, & 13, and I just purchased my own house -- I felt like superwoman.  (Defying Gravity was my theme song during those days). Then came the weekends when the kids were gone to their dads.  I was lonely, sad, depressed.  I didn't know what to do with my time.  I started dating, but it was a time filler -- nothing for real.  After about a year, I realized how empty I felt, but the dates weren't filling the emptiness. 
       We therapists have dubbed the year after a divorce "the crazy year."  Until I experienced "the crazy year" myself, I had no idea how nutty I felt much of the time.  I've said hundreds of times to people in my office, "Don't do anything major for a year!"  Did I listen to my own advice?  No, I bought a house, a car, started working full-time as a school counselor, had to move my mom into an Alzheimer's care center, packed up the house I grew up in to prepare to rent it, bought a trampoline, and hosted a litter of kittens!  Only by the grace of God did I manage to stay single -- thank goodness, because I don't think there was much sanity coursing through my veins during that year -- it was more adrenaline.  Therefore, I would guess my choice of a mate might have been.....well.....let's just say......not so good!
       After a year, I decided to stop dating all together -- and accomplished that for about six months.  It was really helpful.  I settled down.  My neediness waned.  I went out with friends, and rekindled some of my hobbies like painting and reading.  Enjoyed being a mommy.  Life was good.  Then the inevitable happened, a friend felt the need to "fix me up."  Why not?  My expectations were low, but after one lunch with John -- something clicked.  After four years of him driving about an hour to see me every day, he asked me to marry him.  
       I was completely expecting the proposal, but what I didn't expect was to be absolutely terrified for the months leading up to the wedding.  All the doubts and questions constantly bombarding me:  Am I being selfish?  What if this ruin's my children's lives?  What if things go South?  Do I even know this man?  Does he know me?  What the HECK!  John was patient with me, and all of my "awfulizing" proved to be just a waste of my energy (Definition: "awfulizing " is the act of jumping to the worst case scenario constantly -- by the way, it is ALWAYS a waste of our energy, but it's very hard to stop once those scenarios start rolling over and over as if on a taped loop in our brain.  Next time I'll chat about some strategies to eject those worst case scenario tapes. (Note -- I know these because I am STILL the queen of awfulizing!)
       Anyway, here we are seven years later -- a different world for me and my babies.  I feel truly blessed, and thankful that I let go and let this amazing man bless all of our lives.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=klpmDPE-JEA
2 Comments
Lorri Gilchrist
1/27/2019 01:34:16 pm

You painted a very clear picture of life after a divorce...you were (are) a strong woman with good intentions. So glad you waited. John is a wonderful man and I'm happy for your family.

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Mary Druding
1/31/2019 11:15:09 pm

You earned the respect and recognition you are receiving. As a counselor, you did a professional and caring job; as principal, I feel sure that your leadership abilities are apparent as you encourage and guide your faculty and staff.

Being a single parent is inevitably difficult, and I'm glad John was there to share some of the challenges and victories with you. He had some tough years, too, so I'll bet he feels very grateful for your gentleness and understanding!

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    Alyssa Boyer wife, mother, therapist, and educator grew up in Los Angeles, now living in Wichita, KS.  

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