Second Time to Shine

,     Getting married again? Seriously? After being hitched for 22 years to someone I met when I was 18, the thought of starting all over was overwhelming.  Some days I looked in the mirror and said, "I can just do this myself!"  I was strong enough to weather a divorce, I had my three kids ages 8, 10, & 13, and I just purchased my own house -- I felt like superwoman.  (Defying Gravity was my theme song during those days). Then came the weekends when the kids were gone to their dads.  I was lonely, sad, depressed.  I didn't know what to do with my time.  I started dating, but it was a time filler -- nothing for real.  After about a year, I realized how empty I felt, but the dates weren't filling the emptiness. 
       We therapists have dubbed the year after a divorce "the crazy year."  Until I experienced "the crazy year" myself, I had no idea how nutty I felt much of the time.  I've said hundreds of times to people in my office, "Don't do anything major for a year!"  Did I listen to my own advice?  No, I bought a house, a car, started working full-time as a school counselor, had to move my mom into an Alzheimer's care center, packed up the house I grew up in to prepare to rent it, bought a trampoline, and hosted a litter of kittens!  Only by the grace of God did I manage to stay single -- thank goodness, because I don't think there was much sanity coursing through my veins during that year -- it was more adrenaline.  Therefore, I would guess my choice of a mate might have been.....well.....let's just say......not so good!
       After a year, I decided to stop dating all together -- and accomplished that for about six months.  It was really helpful.  I settled down.  My neediness waned.  I went out with friends, and rekindled some of my hobbies like painting and reading.  Enjoyed being a mommy.  Life was good.  Then the inevitable happened, a friend felt the need to "fix me up."  Why not?  My expectations were low, but after one lunch with John -- something clicked.  After four years of him driving about an hour to see me every day, he asked me to marry him.  
       I was completely expecting the proposal, but what I didn't expect was to be absolutely terrified for the months leading up to the wedding.  All the doubts and questions constantly bombarding me:  Am I being selfish?  What if this ruin's my children's lives?  What if things go South?  Do I even know this man?  Does he know me?  What the HECK!  John was patient with me, and all of my "awfulizing" proved to be just a waste of my energy (Definition: "awfulizing " is the act of jumping to the worst case scenario constantly -- by the way, it is ALWAYS a waste of our energy, but it's very hard to stop once those scenarios start rolling over and over as if on a taped loop in our brain.  Next time I'll chat about some strategies to eject those worst case scenario tapes. (Note -- I know these because I am STILL the queen of awfulizing!)
       Anyway, here we are seven years later -- a different world for me and my babies.  I feel truly blessed, and thankful that I let go and let this amazing man bless all of our lives.  

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=klpmDPE-JEA